Now we are all televangelists, thanks to the Internet
7 March 2010 Jeff Gill
tags: silly,
video
Qualified to follow Jesus
If some guys named Barker, Cleese and Corbett do a sketch together, it is pretty much the law that you have to steal the idea and repurpose it for church, so I have. Here is the script:
Keep reading
8 February 2010 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
jesus,
silly,
video
We talked about fellowship at church
Please give generously.
20 October 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: failure,
silly,
video
We showed this at our church this morning
2 August 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: i61,
silly,
video
Waiting for the Kingdom of God
In this sketch I present two opposing but equally inaccurate visions of the kingdom of God and show off their ugly sides with with some comedy violence. Nothing gets the crowd happy like the guy getting a knee to the groin.
Two people in a queue. They stand uncomfortably for a bit (draw it out) then start to talk.
Woman: So you signing up for the kingdom of God?
Man: Yeah. You?
Woman: Mmm hmm.
(pause)
Keep reading
18 May 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
silly
Like 'yeah?' or whatever.
Today at our church’s Sunday meeting a California stoner/surfer guy (okay, me) came and did a poetry reading. His poem was about judgemental people. Between stanzas all the people in the building belted out the chorus of The Beatles You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away.
Here is the poem:
I’m checking out the people as I walk down the street.
I’m passing out my judgements on everyone I meet.
You’re snide.
You’ve died.
You’re far too wide.
You’ve cried.
You lied.
You want a date? Denied!
I’m feeling good about myself. I’m whistling a tune.
I’ve grown superior to you like a great big balloon.
You’re weak.
You geek.
You greasy freak,
Don’t speak.
You leak.
I’d call that nose a beak.
I’ve had a lot of practice from watching the TV.
That old Simon Cowell ain’t got nothing over me.
You sing?
Don’t sing!
My ears will sting.
Don’t cling.
You’re wrin-
kling my clothes, you ming.
My reputation is the world’s greatest cynic.
I justify my arrogance by being ironic.
Green pus.
Size plus.
Your bum’s a bus –
Discuss.
Don’t fuss,
You hippopotamus.
Hey! Where are you going. Don’t just walk away.
I’ll joke about someone else and not you for today.
Stay here.
Have beer.
I like you near,
It’s clear.
Oh dear.
Fine! I’ll sit right here and sneer.
I’m feeling rather lonely up here in my room.
My friends have all departed. I’m in a fog of gloom.
They’re bad
I’m sad
I’m really mad
Not glad
They had
To hate my cynical fad.
The only other thing you need to know about this is that is that it worked and it probably made Jesus happy.
Amen.
10 May 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
poems,
silly
Sketch: The Tooth Fairy
Drunken Tooth Fairy enters, takes a swig from his bottle, wipes his mouth with his sleeve: All right, where’s the kid? There she is.
Tooth Fairy feels under the pillow for a tooth, but doesn’t find one. He curses, sets the bottle down and pulls out a pair of pliers: Kid, you’re getting yourself some money whether you want it or not. I’ve got quotas to meet.
Keep reading
4 May 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: depression,
drama,
silly
The rules of my fight club
I watched Fight Club last night. I know this film has been out for a while, but as I was watching I was struck with a powerful, prophetic sense that it captured the zeitgeist of this generation of men. Now is the time for a paradigm-shifting change in the way we talk to the lost men of this generation. Now is the time to change the world. Now is the time for BREAKTHROUGH! That’s why I am starting a Men’s Missional Fight Club For Jesus. Here are the rules:
The first rule of my fight club is tell all your friends we’re starting a fight club.
The second rule of my fight club is here are some fight club leaflets you could put up in your office or village shop or whatever.
The third rule of my fight club is no hard punches. We don’t want anybody to get hurt.
The fourth rule of my fight club is you have to read and sign the health and safety statement and waiver of liability.
The fifth rule of my fight club is you have to sign up for the tea-making and mug-washing rotas which are taped up on the back wall.
The sixth rule of my fight club is the fights will last no longer than three minutes. You’ll be surprised at how tiring fighting actually is.
The seventh rule of my fight club is this isn’t about winning and losing. It’s just a bit of fun.
The eighth and final rule of my fight club is that there is no pressure to fight. You are welcome to just watch.
∗
And we wonder why our big ideas go nowhere.
2 May 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: change,
church,
failure,
silly
Hooray for 678
In my group of kids in years six, seven and eight we are studying the parables of Jesus. Obviously, the thing to do is to write a parable. I gave them three ideas to choose from. They picked one and wrote a story. Two weeks ago we filmed it. Today is it’s worldwide premier.
I proudly present a story about the way people view God and the way God actually is and the reason God gives us commands: Daniel and the Lions.
1 March 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: children,
drama,
silly,
stories,
video
Two angels talking about earth
What a mess.
What’s he going to do about it, then?
Dunno. You’d think he’d be pretty worked up about it. I mean, I’m pretty worked up about it. Look at them. It’s non-stop killing violence and wickedness down there. They are so good at wickedness! If I didn’t know better, I’d say they invented wickedness.
They didn’t. Lucifer did.
I said, if I didn’t know better. Of course I know…
Keep reading
15 February 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
silly
Kylie and Jason have nothing on us
Christine and I created these characters that visit our church on a regular basis. Myfanwy is a lovely but bossy and slightly dim girl from the valleys of South Wales. Jedediah Garcia – all his friends call him Tex Mex – is a sort of grumpy Texas cowboy transplanted to North Wales. He owns a monkey ranch just outside Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch on the island of Anglesey.
Tex Mex and Myfanwy have been sort of falling in love over the last couple years. This past Sunday they sang a duet together. Here it is:
12 October 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
music,
silly
The inevitable election post
I voted. I get to do it early because I live in the United Kingdom and we are cooler over here, so we get to do things sooner. Or something.
I voted for Barack Obama. I’m going to tell you why, but first I’ll say this…
Keep reading
3 October 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: humans,
kingdom of god,
silly
Vision
Mary and Professor Zelf, who I like to think of as an American cross between Count Arthur Strong and Andy Parsons, returned to i61 this weekend in a sketch that stole most of the acting inspiration from this little piece of genius from the Two Ronnies:
Mary walks onstage holding a long pole. Professor Phuluvem Zelf then comes on blindly using…
Keep reading
15 September 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
i61,
silly
The meaning of baptism
Today at i61 we baptised eight nine people. Hooray! This is today’s sketch. You might find it useful, unless your church is in North America.
Mary: Hello, my name is Mary and I am here to explain baptism. Baptism is very important. It is something that Jesus said we should do when someone decides to follow him. What it means when we are baptised is—
Professor Phulovem Zelf: (coming onstage) No! No! No! This is all wrong. We are talking about baptism here. Baptism! Are we so foolish as to think that the sacred and subtle ritual of baptism can be understood by a child? No! A thousand times, no! Run along and find a biscuit now, dear. I’ll take it from here.
Mary: But—
Keep reading
7 September 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
silly
If you were wondering whether or not Jeff can do a flying side kick through a hula hoop...
I can’t.
I can, however, get wedged halfway through, fall to the ground helplessly and hard, and injure my shoulder.
It makes me wonder – what is the point of all my karate training if it doesn’t serve me well in an everyday situation like this?
9 July 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: karate,
silly
How to fight fair
Some only slightly tongue in cheek lessons on how to fight fair taken from the sword fight in The Princess Bride. This was for our weekend meetings on the theme of conflict resolution.
30 June 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: humans,
i61,
silly,
video
Hi, School!
This is a little event we do for students moving out of junior school and into secondary school. (For those of you outside the UK, this happens at age 11.) We’ve just finished our promo video. A short version may come later.
You can see the video in high definition and download the original 102 MB Quicktime movie on Vimeo, which is kind of cool.
27 June 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: children,
i61,
silly,
video,
youth
Possibly the best thing I have ever seen in my whole life
12 June 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: music,
silly,
video
I visit for the sparkling prose
Inspired by Keith and Larry’s post this morning I checked to see what searches were bringing people to D Train. The leading term for the last 30 days by a margin of five to one is…
It’s nice to know your audience.
15 May 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: silly
Awfully proud of Ikea and Volvo too
3 May 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: silly
The good Samaritan goes home
Inspired by this sketch I wrote a sketch which avoids the wife-hating and features a ninja:
Joanna: Where is he? He should have been home ages ago. She gasps. What if he was the one they attacked! No, they said he was a Jew. But Nathan looks like a Jew sometimes when the light is low…
Keep reading
20 April 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
silly,
stories
That's well neighbourly! - updated
This weekend our church is looking at the story of the good Samaritan. I want to rewrite it for my class of 10-13 year-olds and set it in high school. (For those of you outside the UK secondary education starts at age 11 here.) I found some interesting retellings laying around the internet: here (scroll down), here and here, but none of them are really what I need. How do you think I should update the cast?
Who are the attackers?
Who is the victim?
The priest?
The levite?
The Samaritan?
The innkeeper?
If all goes well, I shall put a working draft story online in a day or two for your further comments and sugestions.
Thanks!
UPDATE
I ended up not rewriting the story beforehand. Instead, I did it live as a mad lib with my class. They loved it. And they heard the story three times, once proper and twice silly. AND they all asked for a copy of their own. Here is their story with a little help from the TNIV:
Once a footballer slide tackled Jesus to test him. ‘Teacher,’ he asked, ‘what must I do to inherit fantastic life?’
‘What is written in the Law?’ he replied. ‘How do you read it?’
He answered, ‘‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’‘
‘You have answered Jeffly,’ Jesus replied. ‘Do this and you will live.’
But he wanted to sit himself, so he asked Jesus, ‘And who is my neighbor?’
In reply Jesus said: ‘Conor was going down from Tesco to i61, when he fell into the hands of terrorists. They stripped him of his table, karate chopped him and went away, leaving him half hairy. A referee happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side of the Aston Martin. So too, a fit, sporty girl when she came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side of the elephant. But a nerd, as he read, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on 7up and lemon juice Then he put the man on his own ferret, brought him to Jamaica and took care of him. The next day he took out two dollars and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will paint you for any extra expense you may have.’
‘Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the terrorists?’
The footballer replied, ‘The one who had mercy on him.’
Jesus told him, ‘Go and do likewise.’
20 April 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: children,
i61,
silly,
stories,
writing
It's all been leading up to this moment
have this way of beginning sentences when they speak that makes me think they are announcing the conclusion of an Important Study. Their brains must be super laboratories, collecting data, testing every hypothesis, analysing the outcomes with a mental process made immensely powerful through years of experience. And when they speak they are not giving me an answer; they are giving Results and Findings.
If only we could all be so authoritative.
Actually, their secret is simple. I am going to share it with you right now.
Scientists start their sentences with So.
So when we look at the specimen…
So the pathology of the virus…
So the quantum state…
Two letters. One little word. That’s the difference between expressing an opinion and explaining the universe. Look:
So I’d like the vegetarian lasagne and a glass of the house red.
14 April 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: humans,
silly
My... what?
I wrote in my DIY design post about hardware that Apple computers come with very good backup software. They do. The file that keeps it all organised is called a sparsebundle. The thing is, the way I like to view my files in the Finder (basically the same thing as Windows Explorer) causes the filename to be truncated like so:
My friend Lee who backs up onto the same hard drive has too long of a name to get anything as cool as an ARSEBUNDLE.
4 April 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: silly
Dressing for church
(entering shop) You’ve got to help me!
Madame, that is what I am here to do. I am Walter J Wolf, king of Christian Couture. In what way may I be of assistance?
My friend invited me to church and I said yes and I’ve never been to church before and I don’t know what to wear or what to say and I’m going to make a total fool of myself.
A common fear, but one that need not overwhelm you, not once you have set foot in this shop. First of all, let’s think about your clothing –
Keep reading
24 March 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: church,
drama,
i61,
silly
Frantic five minutes
I had to leave. It was time to go. The daughter would be getting out of school in less than 15 minutes and I couldn’t find the stupid car keys. Where were they?
Where were they?
There weren’t in there and they weren’t under there and they weren’t behind there and they were completely gone and had ceased to exist and I was gonna have to get a taxi or something and I’d be so so incredibly late and the teacher would give me that look again. And I’d feel ashamed. I am a rotten mother because I do not put my keys away properly in a place where I can find them and my children suffer because of it. There she would be, the 4 year old daughter, standing in the cold and not knowing if I would ever come. A stiff wind would blow to dry the tears that fell…
I said to God, “Father!”, I said, “Help me find the keys, please, I need to know where they are or there will be much suffering” (this is the extended version of what I said)
And in desperation I raised my hand to my head like a damsel in one of those old, silent movies… and the keys were in my hand.
Now. What have we learned today ?
22 February 2008 Christine Gill
tags: parenting,
prayer,
shame,
silly,
stories
Jeff at his best
I made a video for our church meeting morning. The theme of today’s meeting was you at your best. Here I am at my best, or something.
17 February 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: i61,
silly,
video
You are such an asset to the body
—on a greeting card to Christine from a church* member who is obviously much more pure of thought than we are.
*From our former church in Tucson, Arizona, USA, not i61.
30 January 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: church,
quotes,
silly
Her humps
While we are all waiting around for me to have time to write the next installment in our money story, let’s watch Alanis Morrisette’s rather brilliant satirical cover of the Black Eyed Peas song My Humps.
In that same vein, have a read of Tia Lynn’s article on the book Ten Lies the Church Tells Women and my Seven Cheers for St Paul.
28 January 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: blogging,
leadership,
music,
silly,
video,
women
Hooray for fables
Here is another poem that I wrote. It is a riff on Æsop’s Tortoise and the Hare. Christine and I read it this morning at our church. Today’s theme was Run to Win, the third in a new year series called Born to Run. If you can stand a lot of rhyming couplets, read on.
Keep reading
20 January 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: poems,
silly,
stories
Hip replacement
— a warranty fulfillment service for cool people.
18 January 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: silly
Hooray for Victorian morality tales
I quite enjoy, as Dylan Thomas put it, ‘pictureless books in which small boys, though warned with quotations not to, would skate on Farmer Giles’ pond and did and drowned’. This poem is my silly homage to the genre. It was read and acted out at our church on Sunday when the theme was the ninth commandment: don’t lie.
I’ve come to tell a story. Once there was a boy.
He had a mother and a father, but he did not bring them joy.
I’ll tell you this boy’s name if you insist that you must know.
His name was Peter Penrhyn Padran Pinnock Ochio.
I’m sad to say that our boy Pete was a spoiled brat,
for his father was a pillock and his mother was…
Keep reading
19 November 2007 Jeff Gill
tags: poems,
silly