Qualified to follow Jesus
If some guys named Barker, Cleese and Corbett do a sketch together, it is pretty much the law that you have to steal the idea and repurpose it for church, so I have. Here is the script:
1. I’m qualified to follow Jesus because I have my own show on God TV.
2. I don’t have a Christian Television programme, but I’m still qualified to follow Jesus because I give most of my free time to feed the homeless.
3. I just got divorced, I have three kids, and I work two jobs. I’m qualified to inject caffeine directly into my veins.
1. I’ve written seven bestselling books about how to follow Jesus. A million people look to me for guidance.
2. My life is a daily example of living like Jesus did. Dozens of people look to me for inspiration.
3. My kids are looking are looking to me for lunch. Excuse me. (calling offstage) Just get a cereal bar out of the cupboard. I’m doing a sketch right now.
2. I’m a better at following Jesus than her because I feed my family and poor homeless people, but I’m not as impressive as him.
1. My relief organisation feeds thousands of refugees every day. Not even Jesus did that. My sense of superiority is completely justified.
2. I still look down on him because he eats meat and wears clothing that was made in a sweatshop and doesn’t buy Fairtrade coffee.
3. I am completely devoted to giving my children a good life, no matter what it costs me, so I could look down on both of them if I wasn’t completely exhausted.
2. I’m exhausted too. I don’t know how to stop.
1. He and she would be much more relaxed if they read my book ‘How to Stop: Spiritual Secrets for Busy Christians’
2. I would be much more relaxed if I had his private jet and enormous salary.
3. The last time I tried to read a book, I woke up with my face in my cornflakes.
1. No one has ever fallen asleep while reading my books. Available on Amazon for only £19·95
3. I once gave his ministry some money in hopes that God would save my marriage.
2. I once gave away the shirt off my back to a homeless man.
1. I have all the trappings of success but I wonder if my life is really making a difference. I look up to him for his willingness to do the hard work himself.
2. I look up to him for for his influence and luxurious lifestyle, but I look down on her for her failed marriage.
3. I look through the laundry to see if the kids have anything that is still wearable.
2. I go weeks without washing my clothes to save water and help the environment
1. My suits are always perfect, no spots or wrinkles.
3. Thanks to me. I work at his dry cleaners.
1. She always seems to be having a laugh with her friends. I don’t have friends. I have an entourage.
2. I used to have friends until they got tired of hearing about how they were oppressing the poor and destroying the planet.
3. I lost half my friends in the divorce. Most of the rest of my friends don’t know what to say to me. I failed as a wife. I’m failing as a mother. There’s no way I’m qualified to follow Jesus.
2. Even with all the work I do, I worry that it’s not enough. I doubt that I’m really qualified to follow Jesus.
1. I started out following Jesus. Now I’m following merchandising opportunities. These days the only thing I’m really qualified for is being thrown out and trampled underfoot like flavourless salt, which ironically, is the title of my latest bestselling book. It just goes to show that I’m not good enough to follow Jesus.
2. I don’t think I’m good enough to follow Jesus
3. I’m definitely not good enough to follow Jesus.
Slide: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. —Jesus
8 February 2010 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
jesus,
silly,
video
