Waiting for the Kingdom of God
In this sketch I present two opposing but equally inaccurate visions of the kingdom of God and show off their ugly sides with with some comedy violence. Nothing gets the crowd happy like the guy getting a knee to the groin.
Two people in a queue. They stand uncomfortably for a bit (draw it out) then start to talk.
Woman: So you signing up for the kingdom of God?
Man: Yeah. You?
Woman: Mmm hmm.
(pause)
Man: It’s going to be great.
Woman: I know. I can’t wait.
(pause)
Man: Finally, God is going to have his way.
Woman: Filling all the world with love.
Man: Destroying all the wickedness.
Woman: Peace on earth.
Man: War like you’ve never seen it.
Both: What?!
Woman: What are you talking about?
Man: The Kingdom of God.
Woman: But that’s what I’m—
Man: I’m so sick of all these perverts and politicians and prostitutes and pimps and taxes and hoodies and emos and chavs and other religions full of hate and communists and fascists and Lib Dems. But God’s going to set things right. He’s going to make an army of good decent people and we’re going to get together and kick wickedness in the teeth and then we’re going to jack these sickos up against the wall and say, Jesus loves you, so you better start living right or I’m going to kick you across the channel into France. And the dirty frogs can keep you because we don’t want your type here.
Woman: That’s not the kingdom of God.
Man: Oh no? I say that’s exactly what the kingdom of God is – good, decent British people who’ve had enough taking charge of things again. When we’ve got the power, when were in charge, then things will be just the way God wants them.
Woman: No, no, no! That’s not right. The kingdom of God is lovely and fluffy like a little sleeping kitten. Jesus died so that I can feel good all the time and never be sick and never have problems and all the sadness will go away because everyone loves each other and gives each other lots of hugs. And when I get in the kingdom of God I can eat cream cakes all the time because the kingdom of God sets me free from calories.
Man: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Woman: No it’s not! And anyway, God’s not mean like you.
Man: Look, sister, if you can’t handle a litle bit of tough love, then maybe the kingdom of God isn’t for you.
Woman: It is for me! Now stop stomping all over my dreams, you nasty man.
Woman proceeds to beat him around the head, drop him to the ground with a knee to the groin, then kick and hit him while singing: Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The bible tells me so. (Exits)
Man raises up from the floor, shakes his fist at her and calls: When God puts me in charge, I’m putting your type in prison!
18 May 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
silly
