Dressing for church
24 March 2008 Jeff Gill
In celebration of i61’s second anniversary we revived, seriously edited and performed one of our earliest sketches for Easter weekend. I wrote this one with my friend Phil Rigotti, who you can’t see operating the puppet in the video link at the end. Bonus for me: Phil couldn’t be at our Saturday meeting, so I got to do a very camp, non-puppet version of Walter J Wolf.
CHARACTERS
Customer: About to go to church for the first time. Her lines are in italic.
Walter J Wolf: Shop owner, a camp, fundamentalist Christian fashionista (This is a work of fiction.) His lines are in regular text.
Maxine: Mr Wolf’s assistant, snobbish as only the assistant of a camp, fundamentalist Christian fashionista can be. Her line is in bold italic
SCRIPT
(entering shop) You’ve got to help me!
Madame, that is what I am here to do. I am Walter J Wolf, king of Christian Couture. In what way may I be of assistance?
My friend invited me to church and I said yes and I’ve never been to church before and I don’t know what to wear or what to say and I’m going to make a total fool of myself.
A common fear, but one that need not overwhelm you, not once you have set foot in this shop. First of all, let’s think about your clothing –
I’ve got a little black dress. Maybe if I –
(covering ears) Stop! Stop it! Do not even speak those words in my establishment. (to assistant) Maxine, bring The Skirt.
(Maxine brings the skirt)
Just slip into this.
But, but this hasn’t been in fashion for 15 years!
Madame, I marvel at your perception! You would not want to be caught following the fashions of this world in the house of God.
But –
Do be a dear and slip it on.
(after putting on the skirt) I guess I do feel a bit more holy.
We’ve only just begun. What do you have on your feet?
Converse All Stars.
And did Jesus wear ‘Converse All Stars’?
?
He did not. Maxine, the Jesus Sandals.
(Maxine brings the sandals)
Put them on. You never know when you will find yourself standing on holy ground, and you simply must be ready to bare your feet in an instant. And they are so perfect with The Skirt.
So am I ready for church now?
(Walter & Maxine laugh)
Hilarious, darling, hilarious. Have you taken up your cross today?
Umm…
Your cross. Your symbol of devotion to our faith. Maxine, the cross.
Yeah, but I’m not sure I am devoted to –
I think you’d better get the biggest one, Maxine.
(Maxine brings the cross)
Just slip that on. Nothing says going to church like an old rugged cross.
Wow! I feel more religious than I’ve ever felt before.
Maxine, look at her. We have surpassed ourselves.
Mr Wolf, thank you so much! I really feel a lot more confident now. I’m going to come back on Monday and tell you how it went.
Darling, you are not going anywhere yet.
But look at me. I’m ready.
When you go to church people will talk to you.
I should think so.
And what will you say?
I don’t know. I’ll just be myself.
(shocked) Be yourself?! You don’t understand. This is church! You can’t be yourself at church. What would people think? – Role play! Maxine, it’s time for the Role Play. We’ll start with a greeting. Imagine you walk through the church’s grand decaying entrance –
Okay.
And you are welcomed thusly:
Greetings, beloved sister. have you been washed in the Blood of the Holy Lamb?
Eeew! Mr Wolf. Walter, get her off! She’s trying to kiss me!
Stop now Maxine. (Walter shakes head in dismay) This won’t do at all. Maxine, the books.
(Maxine brings the books)
The Complete Word Study New Testament with Greek Parallel. It’s very big.
And very holy. Full of words you need to know.
And this one is a Christianese / English dictionary.
Christians speak a completely different language, you know. Take it. Study it. You will thank me.
I didn’t realise going to church was so much work.
Darling, it’s not for the faint of heart. (sniffing) I smell something. Maxine, do you smell something. Madame, have you applied a fragrance to your body?
You mean like perfume?
Do not mention that word in presence! Don’t you know that the Holy Bible saith that we are unto them that perish the savour of death? Maxine do we have any more Savour of Death.
Savour of Death?
The actual name is Boys Away. You don’t want to give those lonely church boys the wrong impression, lead them into temptation, deliver them to evil. Spray this on, and no one will dare to question your moral purity.
(spraying it on) This is terrible! It smells like something died.
Yes, savour of death. Spray it all over. And now, darling, you are ready.
I’m not so sure anymore.
Of course you’re sure. You have been prepared for church by Walter J Wolf, king of Christian couture. Walk out of this shop with your head held high, for you have achieved high holiness. And as you go, take this
(Maxine hands here a folded piece of paper that says, You will burn in hell)
and simply share God’s love with everyone you meet.
Wow, Mr Wolf. I don’t know what to say. I’m a bit overwhelmed.
No need to thank me. Just go to church, and share God’s love on the way.
So I just show this to people?
That’s right. When people see it. they will know without a doubt that God loves them.
Okay, thank you. Good bye. (exits through audience showing them the paper)
Blessings upon you, darling. Blessings upon you.
(Maxine whispers to Walter)
Yes, Maxine I know God invites people to come exactly as they are, but if that got out, we would go out of business. And who is going to give you a job? You smell like death.
You can watch the original version of the sketch here (Quicktime)
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tags: church,
drama,
i61,
silly
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