Qualified to follow Jesus
If some guys named Barker, Cleese and Corbett do a sketch together, it is pretty much the law that you have to steal the idea and repurpose it for church, so I have. Here is the script:
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8 February 2010 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
jesus,
silly,
video
Waiting for the Kingdom of God
In this sketch I present two opposing but equally inaccurate visions of the kingdom of God and show off their ugly sides with with some comedy violence. Nothing gets the crowd happy like the guy getting a knee to the groin.
Two people in a queue. They stand uncomfortably for a bit (draw it out) then start to talk.
Woman: So you signing up for the kingdom of God?
Man: Yeah. You?
Woman: Mmm hmm.
(pause)
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18 May 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
silly
Like 'yeah?' or whatever.
Today at our church’s Sunday meeting a California stoner/surfer guy (okay, me) came and did a poetry reading. His poem was about judgemental people. Between stanzas all the people in the building belted out the chorus of The Beatles You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away.
Here is the poem:
I’m checking out the people as I walk down the street.
I’m passing out my judgements on everyone I meet.
You’re snide.
You’ve died.
You’re far too wide.
You’ve cried.
You lied.
You want a date? Denied!
I’m feeling good about myself. I’m whistling a tune.
I’ve grown superior to you like a great big balloon.
You’re weak.
You geek.
You greasy freak,
Don’t speak.
You leak.
I’d call that nose a beak.
I’ve had a lot of practice from watching the TV.
That old Simon Cowell ain’t got nothing over me.
You sing?
Don’t sing!
My ears will sting.
Don’t cling.
You’re wrin-
kling my clothes, you ming.
My reputation is the world’s greatest cynic.
I justify my arrogance by being ironic.
Green pus.
Size plus.
Your bum’s a bus –
Discuss.
Don’t fuss,
You hippopotamus.
Hey! Where are you going. Don’t just walk away.
I’ll joke about someone else and not you for today.
Stay here.
Have beer.
I like you near,
It’s clear.
Oh dear.
Fine! I’ll sit right here and sneer.
I’m feeling rather lonely up here in my room.
My friends have all departed. I’m in a fog of gloom.
They’re bad
I’m sad
I’m really mad
Not glad
They had
To hate my cynical fad.
The only other thing you need to know about this is that is that it worked and it probably made Jesus happy.
Amen.
10 May 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
poems,
silly
Getchyer sketches here
I’ve posted a number of sketch scripts. Here are a few thoughts about how to use them:
- Read them out loud. It is hard to tell if a script is any good if you are reading it silently. Act it out a bit. Bring it to life.
- These sketches are free. Take them. Use them. Share them. If one of them works for you, could you tell me?
- Chop and change. These sketches were written for specific meetings. You may need a different ending or a different type of character. So do that. Re-write to suit your needs.
- Be silly.
- Be physical. My experience is that people laugh harder when I get hit on the head with a frying pan than they do at the really clever joke with a nod to the Two Ronnies that I’ve slaved over for a week.
Hope this helps.
4 May 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: communication,
drama
Sketch: The Tooth Fairy
Drunken Tooth Fairy enters, takes a swig from his bottle, wipes his mouth with his sleeve: All right, where’s the kid? There she is.
Tooth Fairy feels under the pillow for a tooth, but doesn’t find one. He curses, sets the bottle down and pulls out a pair of pliers: Kid, you’re getting yourself some money whether you want it or not. I’ve got quotas to meet.
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4 May 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: depression,
drama,
silly
Two angels talking about earth
What a mess.
What’s he going to do about it, then?
Dunno. You’d think he’d be pretty worked up about it. I mean, I’m pretty worked up about it. Look at them. It’s non-stop killing violence and wickedness down there. They are so good at wickedness! If I didn’t know better, I’d say they invented wickedness.
They didn’t. Lucifer did.
I said, if I didn’t know better. Of course I know…
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15 February 2009 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
silly
Vision
Mary and Professor Zelf, who I like to think of as an American cross between Count Arthur Strong and Andy Parsons, returned to i61 this weekend in a sketch that stole most of the acting inspiration from this little piece of genius from the Two Ronnies:
Mary walks onstage holding a long pole. Professor Phuluvem Zelf then comes on blindly using…
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15 September 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
i61,
silly
The meaning of baptism
Today at i61 we baptised eight nine people. Hooray! This is today’s sketch. You might find it useful, unless your church is in North America.
Mary: Hello, my name is Mary and I am here to explain baptism. Baptism is very important. It is something that Jesus said we should do when someone decides to follow him. What it means when we are baptised is—
Professor Phulovem Zelf: (coming onstage) No! No! No! This is all wrong. We are talking about baptism here. Baptism! Are we so foolish as to think that the sacred and subtle ritual of baptism can be understood by a child? No! A thousand times, no! Run along and find a biscuit now, dear. I’ll take it from here.
Mary: But—
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7 September 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: drama,
silly
DIY design: toolbox 8 - vector graphics software
Sorry about the long break. I got really bored of this series for a while.
Vector graphics are infinitely scalable. That’s because they are not made of pixels. Instead they are sets of instructions for your computer about how to draw shapes and lines and fills. Fonts are vector graphics. That’s why you can set fonts to be any size you want.
You need vector graphics software if you are going to be making logos or complicated shapes or illustrations on your computer. Here is a simple example.
I typed this in my vector graphics software:
Then I spent a few hours modifying the letter and numbers to turn them into our church’s logo:
Here is a massively more complex use of vector graphics software. Go have a look. It is really worth your time.
The only serious professional vector graphics software on the market today is Adobe Illustrator. It costs £569.88, or £1,051.62 if you by the whole Adobe Creative Suite.
For Mac users there are two decent low price applications, Lineform and VectorDesigner. I have VectorDesigner, but I don’t use it. I use an old version of the sadly deceased Macromedia Freehand
The Open Source vector graphics application for Linux, Mac and Windows is called Inkscape. It is supposed to be quite good, but I can’t make it open on my computer.
If I was starting from scratch today, I would search Ebay until I found a reasonably priced, reasonably new version of Adobe Illustrator and start climbing up its steepish learning curve. the cheap appications are fine, I guess, but every time I decide to give VectorDesigner another try I get frustrated with what it can’t do. That was how it was with the trial of Lineform that I used for a while too.
Now you know.
Next I will recapture my interest (and possibly lose yours) when I write about fonts.
17 August 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: design
DIY design 7 - using templates
Whatever design software you are using, it probably came with a bunch of templates.
Templates can be quite useful, if you know how to use them. Here’s how to use them:
Don’t start with the template. Start with what you want to communicate. What look and feel will reinforce your message? Once you know that, start looking at the templates. If you work in this order, your choices will be guided by your message, not by your software. If you are making a leaflet for your summer kids program and the Catering Brochure template is the best fit, use it.
Change it (if you have time). Be bold. Mess with the fonts and the colours. Use your own images. Just make sure that your changes are consistent. Make changes all across the document, not just here and there. The best way to do that is to change the document styles, rather than individual blocks of text.
I thought there was going to be a third point, but there isn’t.
28 May 2008 Jeff Gill
tags: design