A letter to my September self
28 March 2008 Christine Gill
Hiya, older person.
It’s September and there’s a chance that you already have a cold and there’s a heaviness on your shoulders and your neck feels like a rod of iron – if rods of iron were filled with nerves and could ache like crazy. Your brain feels fuzzy, the kids are louder and more problematic than they usually are – at least that’s how it seems.
Suddenly it seems like everyone expects a bit more than usual out of you and you feel completely unable to deliver and you look at your friends and family and you just know that they are sorely disappointed in you and that’s all you want to do is make it up to them but you feel sick and you feel tired, exhausted. Everyone is doing so much better than you are.
It is September and you want to retreat from those who you love, because to let them down will be the most awful thing of all, and to then be rejected by them – it is so hard to take.
It is September and there is a chance (a probability) that you have already started to watch out for those signs of rejection, because you don’t feel as well as you have for the last few months. You don’t feel like you are a nice person, so obviously your friends and family are going to start viewing you differently as well.
You could have a tough few months ahead of you, so I’ve come from the past (March 2008) to remind you of a few things.
Firstly, You ARE loved. Even if you have a hard time accepting that right now, even if you are disappointed in yourself.
I have been stockpiling a bunch of good thoughts and feelings – truths – wrapped up in written words and photographs and cards from loved ones and verses from the Bible. I have been trying to notice as many good things over the Spring and Summer – when it is easier to notice the good things – so that I can present them to you now in September and in October and November and December and January and February.
Whatever is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable… I have tried to notice these things and record them. Look over them. Often. Remind yourself.
Remember that more than ever, it is time to make sure you are eating well and regularly and taking your oil and vitamin supplements and iron, remember that these things DO help. Remember that being out in the fresh air, even in the cold and grey fresh air, really does help your mood. Look forward to the smell of the coal fires as you take a walk in the cold.
Remember to daily spend at least an hour, preferably two, in front of that SAD lamp. You know it makes a difference. When you are not making sure to do that, your shoulders start to ache more and you feel heavy and every few days you feel like you are coming down with something.
Remember to take frequent breaks – just for you – even when the days are really busy. Five minutes may be all the time you can afford, but take that time and make sure you do not interrupt that time with thoughts of things that need doing. Five minutes to enjoy – to just be in that moment. Open the bedroom window and listen to the stream – or the rain! Or put on a song that lifts your mood. Put the headphones on and just listen to the bass line all the way through. Those five minutes for you will allow you to be a better wife, mother, daughter, friend.
If you are in the middle of something and and getting so stressed that your thoughts won’t come in a logical way and you feel your breathing start to get too quick for comfort and you feel like you can’t escape, then stop what it is your are doing and get time – even a minute – right then and if you can step outside and get fresh air, just for a minute and concentrate on getting your breathing slowed. Feel the cold air on your face, and gulp it in. It will pass as quickly as it came. It will pass.
Start to find things about autumn and winter that you really love. Notice and celebrate the changes. Take loads of pictures. Remember that while every change takes you further from summer it also brings you closer to spring. Celebrate the good stuff, even the teensy weensy good stuffs – ESPECIALLY the teensy weensy good stuffs!
Don’t beat yourself up if you lose it. Everybody around you has struggles and fails all the time. It’s OK. Don’t forget that other people have struggles too, even if they seem like they have it all worked out.
You don’t have to hide these problematic feelings from your friends and family, but don’t allow your relationships to become so clouded by your problems. If you start to notice that most of the time you are with your loved ones you are talking about your problems, then just STOP! Your relationships are worth so much more than that. Make sure you are having at least as much fun as you are sharing your concerns and hurts. Don’t let that become the focus of your life. Give those nasties boundaries.
There is so much more to life, even in September! And never forget that the people you share with have hurts as well.
Sometimes you will feel rejected by those you love, but it doesn’t make it the truth. Sometimes you will feel very let down. Use that as a reminder to draw closer to God, People can not be that ultimate safe place for you, only God can. Let those feelings of rejection work in your favour. Draw close to God.
I promise you you’ll make it through these next few months okay.
All the best,
A slightly younger Christine
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tags: depression,
failure,
happiness
Things being said about A letter to my September self
On 6 October 2008 Debbie wrote:
Thanks so much for sharing this. It’s amazing to know someone else feels just like I do.